Dec. 20, 2015

Alone With My Thoughts Is A Dangerous Place For Me


“Just think how many thoughts a blanket smothers while one lies alone in bed, and how many unhappy dreams it keeps warm.”  Franz Kafka (Description of a Struggle)



My body can be warm and comforted.   It is always my thoughts that get me into trouble.   My thoughts are what kept me unhappy and drunk.  I even let my thoughts keep me out of recovery.  I thought I was different from the other drunks in those meetings and that I was not like them.  I was unique.  I had not experienced the bottoms those people had experienced.  YET.  I hated this word.  It was a recovery cliché.  It stood for You’re Eligible Too.  I hate clichés so I quit going to meetings.  I would get drunk.  I would return to recovery meetings.  Then, my thoughts would get me into trouble in the real world.  I hated that I lived in two worlds.  The world where the beautiful people get to drink the beautiful fruit of the vine and the world where that fruit makes me one ugly person.  I thought some more.  I drank some more.  I became even more miserable and I hope I had my bottom.  I am sure there are worse bottoms.  Hell, I know there are because I have heard about them.  But, I pray today that I don’t forget mine as I become comfortable and warm.  I pray I remember how alone, awful and cold that bottom felt.