Alone With My Thoughts Is A Dangerous Place For Me
“Just think how many thoughts a blanket smothers while one lies alone in bed, and how many unhappy dreams it keeps warm.” Franz Kafka (Description of a Struggle)
My body can be warm and comforted. It is always my thoughts that get me into trouble. My thoughts are what kept me unhappy and drunk. I even let my thoughts keep me out of recovery. I thought I was different from the other drunks in those meetings and that I was not like them. I was unique. I had not experienced the bottoms those people had experienced. YET. I hated this word. It was a recovery cliché. It stood for You’re Eligible Too. I hate clichés so I quit going to meetings. I would get drunk. I would return to recovery meetings. Then, my thoughts would get me into trouble in the real world. I hated that I lived in two worlds. The world where the beautiful people get to drink the beautiful fruit of the vine and the world where that fruit makes me one ugly person. I thought some more. I drank some more. I became even more miserable and I hope I had my bottom. I am sure there are worse bottoms. Hell, I know there are because I have heard about them. But, I pray today that I don’t forget mine as I become comfortable and warm. I pray I remember how alone, awful and cold that bottom felt.