I Have Power Because I Know I Am Powerless
"Believing means liberating the indestructible element in oneself, or, more accurately, liberating oneself, or, more accurately, being indestructible, or, more accurately, being."
Franz Kafka (The Third Notebook, November 30, 1917)
The first thing I have to believe and admit and then have absolutely no doubt about is not just that I am an alcoholic, but that I am an alcoholic who is powerless over alcohol. I wouldn’t say it was or has been easy to admit that I am an alcoholic. But, once I did admit that I was one I could say it and then I could still drink. What I had a problem admitting was that I am powerless over alcohol. How could a person be powerless over alcohol? What does this even mean? Powerless means that I have no ability, influence, or control when I take that first drink of alcohol. I am defeated. It is not enough for me to admit that I am alcoholic, but I must believe and destroy any notion that I am anything but helpless when I put alcohol in my body. I had to destroy the part of my ego that thought I was somehow capable of drinking successfully. I wish I could say that my mind was evolved enough to make this decision for me. No, it took an ego smashing to get me to this point, but I am there today. I feel liberated. I also know that I can take that ego back in a split second so I must continue to stay a step ahead of this disease. I feel powerful simply because I know I have absolutely no power at all.