Dec. 24, 2015

Champagne and Tears

 

“A belief is like a guillotine, just as heavy, just as light.”  Franz Kafka (The Zürau Aphorisms) 

The guillotine is no danger to me if the blade is at the top of the frame and I am standing beside it, but if I put my head on the block, my hands in the stocks and the rope is released then I am in trouble.  I believe this.  I need to believe this about alcohol too.  Alcohol is no danger to me if I don’t open up the bottle and then drink it.  Yesterday I was reminded of how crazy alcoholic thoughts can be.  I was in a great place.  I felt spiritually fit.  I had done and was doing everything I must do to maintain my serenity.  To top it off I had enjoyed some quality time after a meeting with fellow alcoholics just talking about life and our hope for our sobriety.  I had to run by the grocery store to pick up a few items.  I don’t go down the beer and wine aisle anymore because I don’t have a reason to do so.  But, I am not afraid of alcohol in the sense that I am going to have a meltdown and have to have it.  I also understand and listen to those who teach me when and where I can be around alcohol.  I don’t want to drink.  But, last night walking through the grocery store I passed a champagne display on the way to the checkout.  Champagne! I LOVE Champagne!  My heart jumped and I got excited for a minute.  My mind began to race to how many bottles I would need for New Year’s and why not go ahead and buy some to toast Christmas dinner?!  As fast as these thoughts came I realized I won’t be buying any champagne.  Then, I got pissed off.  I got a resentment at the carefree lady who got her bottles and left.  Why can she just grab her ...MY ...champagne and without shame, thought or concern sail off into the holiday season?  Because only a real alcoholic would have such conversations and committee meetings in their head about alcohol.  People who don’t have problems with alcohol don’t spend much time thinking about it or worrying about it.  I never get emotional about buying orange juice.  I just buy it and move on.  Alcohol can be light for some and heavy for others  It is what it is and I am ok with that.