Ignorance Could Have Been Bliss

“Discoveries have forced themselves on people.”  Franz Kafka (Diaries)

When I was young I thought I knew who I was.  I was curious about life, but I felt strong in the awareness I had of myself.  How could a person who felt so sure of so much in my youth become so unsure in my middle age?  I am paraphrasing, but the recovery process teaches me that alcoholics stop growing mentally at the point they begin their active addiction. I suppose I stopped growing in my late 30’s.  My tipping point happened when I was 40 years old and my mother was dying.  I am not the first adult to lose a parent, but at this point in my life my drinking became a crutch or an escape.  My first “episode” was April 2003 a month before my mother died in May.  It started as it my pattern starts by drinking lovely wine and then descending into my demons escaping.  These demons were a little girl who didn’t want her mommy to die.  I think there was a part of me that thought if I got sick and needed help then my mother would get better and come take care of me as she always did. Drinking a few bottles of wine and then taking all sorts of over the counter medicine which landed me into the hospital didn’t help.  My mother still died a month later and I didn’t get to the root of my problem.  It has taken me 12 years to discover that I stopped growing mentally and emotionally because of where I sought my solace.  I fought so long to admit this truth even though it was forced upon me long ago.  The truth is always with me.