It's As Simple As Working The Steps

“The world is conquered and we have watched it with open eyes.  We can therefore quietly turn away and live on.”  Franz Kafka (Diaries)

I have spent time over the years worrying and analyzing how I am going to stay sober.  It seems as easy as, “just don’t drink,” but there is so much more to it than that.  For this alcoholic I kept going back out to drink because I thought each time it would be different.  I thought I would be successful.  Once I take the first drink the compulsion to drink is set and I have no defense.  I must have a 2nd, 3rd, 4th and so on.  After not drinking from December 2013 until May 2015, once again, I thought I could drink “normally.”  In those 17 months of not drinking I had forgotten what happens when I drink.  It started with a simple thought that I could have a nice glass of red wine to relax.  I would even use the measuring cup to measure my 6 ounces which I have been told is great for heart health.  I felt such triumph the first night of my success that the next night I rewarded myself with two 6 ounces glasses of wine.  Each night after that my rewards increased by ounces and my descent was rapid.  I even did what all good alcoholics do.  I changed to beer or vodka because I do better with those than wine.  When beer and vodka failed me I went back to my love, my wine.  When I made it back into the rooms of my 12 Step program I could easily say that I was an alcoholic.  I had said this many times over the years.  What I had to do was really believe without any doubts or reservations that my life had become unmanageable.  As I pondered this in my hungover state I had to think about when I started to drink again in May 2015 until my last drink October 30, 2015.  I had started with great hopes of being successful and being able to stop at one, or at the most, 2 drinks which led to me from point A-measuring my alcohol to point B-drinking with reckless abandon without stopping.  My life had become unmanageable.  I was controlled by alcohol.  Not only was I unable to stop my drinking, but drinking made me say and do things only a drunk could do.  In a short 5 months I had learned first hand how progressive the disease of alcoholism is.  I had become a very sick person.  Coming back to the 12 Step program I have learned many things, but the most important is that the steps are there for me to win.  To Live.  I will never be cured, but I do not have to drink today if I follow a few suggestions.  It is as simple as that.  Because other alcoholics paved a way before me, I can move on and live.