Dec. 28, 2015

Let It Go

“I usually solve problems by letting them devour me.”  Franz Kafka (Diaries)

 

I allowed my alcoholism to devour me.  The alcohol is a small part of my problem.  Over the years my emotions had become so unhealthy and I had become submerged in misery.  My exterior is all smiles and laughter, but it is as if my thoughts and my blood skittishly move through me.  Even when I am quiet and alone I allow waves of disappointment and hurt to squelch my happiness and contentment.  One of the tenets of recovery is “resentments are an alcoholics number one offender.”   I confused resentment with anger.  I didn’t walk around angry at people; I just walked around hurt.  I thought I had a valid reason to hurt.  Like most people I do have valid hurts over which I have no control.  Yes, things happen.  Bad things even happen to good people.  People are unfair.  Life is unfair.  People say hurtful words.  People do hurtful things.  I always thought by holding onto these I was building a wall to defend myself so I could keep those people at a distance.  Instead of protecting myself I covered myself with a facade of eggshell armor filled with a mass of porous stone.  I allowed those hurts to penetrate me.  I held onto them.  They created a malignancy which can only be excised by letting go.  Letting go.  It is that simple.  The very things I craved in others: trust, honesty and loyalty I couldn’t get because I was holding onto hurts.  Letting go creates a new slate.  I am no longer blocking my spirit.  I am open to the gifts that have been there, but could not make their way to me. If you are hurting... let it go.  I have been devoured.  I let go.  Problem solved.