Let It Go
“I usually solve problems by letting them devour me.” Franz Kafka (Diaries)
I allowed my alcoholism to devour me. The alcohol is a small part of my problem. Over the years my emotions had become so unhealthy and I had become submerged in misery. My exterior is all smiles and laughter, but it is as if my thoughts and my blood skittishly move through me. Even when I am quiet and alone I allow waves of disappointment and hurt to squelch my happiness and contentment. One of the tenets of recovery is “resentments are an alcoholics number one offender.” I confused resentment with anger. I didn’t walk around angry at people; I just walked around hurt. I thought I had a valid reason to hurt. Like most people I do have valid hurts over which I have no control. Yes, things happen. Bad things even happen to good people. People are unfair. Life is unfair. People say hurtful words. People do hurtful things. I always thought by holding onto these I was building a wall to defend myself so I could keep those people at a distance. Instead of protecting myself I covered myself with a facade of eggshell armor filled with a mass of porous stone. I allowed those hurts to penetrate me. I held onto them. They created a malignancy which can only be excised by letting go. Letting go. It is that simple. The very things I craved in others: trust, honesty and loyalty I couldn’t get because I was holding onto hurts. Letting go creates a new slate. I am no longer blocking my spirit. I am open to the gifts that have been there, but could not make their way to me. If you are hurting... let it go. I have been devoured. I let go. Problem solved.