Dec. 29, 2015

The Mind of an Alcoholic

“The sweetness of creation begets illusion about its real value.”  Franz Kafka (Diaries)

 

I woke up this morning sad.  What have I done?  It’s out.  I have discussed my journey and admitted to others, publicly, that I am an alcoholic.  There is no going back.  As I ponder this with tears behind my eyes and burning in my throat these are solid emotions of an alcoholic.  Who would say things and do things they are ashamed of when drinking and then cry because they know they can’t do it again.  An alcoholic.  I have an allergy to alcohol that when I put it in my system the disease of alcoholism sets off a craving which I cannot stop.  This is in my chemical make up.  What is it that allows me to want to drink when I know what it does to me?  I have been a vegetarian for most of my life.  Why?  Because as a youngster I figured out that meat hurt my stomach and it was not worth the after effects.  So, I quit eating meat.  I love Fritos.  But, after I eat them I always get sick.  So, I have not eaten Fritos in years.  Alcohol.  I love alcohol, but it makes me sick and makes me become a person I loathe.  But, why is it so hard to break this relationship?  As an alcoholic I have a mental obsession which tells me I can drink and when I do it kicks off the phenomenon of craving because I have the disease of alcoholism.   I also have a spiritual malady.  Recovery tells me when I fix the spiritual part of me then my mind and body will follow.  I won’t be cured, but I won’t spend so much time pondering and crying over something that was trying to kill me.  Today, this is the mind of an alcoholic.  Today, I’m still not going to drink.