Dec. 29, 2015

Working On My Spirit

“This afternoon, while taking a walk, for the duration of a few steps I saw coming towards me or crossing my path entirely imaginary members of the committee that caused me such anxiety this morning.”  Franz Kafka (Diaries)

 

Life can be so unsettling.  We all want happiness, contentment, something to look forward to, people who love us and hope for the future.  I have so much for which to be thankful, but I am not settled today.  It would be nice to have a drink to chill and forget about what’s on my mind, but I know this doesn’t work for me.  That obsession in my mind kicks in and I really want a drink.  If I give into this obsession then I know that after that first drink that phenomenon of craving will launch and I will not stop.  What is it between that obsession and that first drink?  It is my spiritual malady which wants to change the way I feel.  I used to only drink when I felt good and wanted to have fun.  I have heard other alcoholics say they were not happy when they were drinking and they were not happy when they were sober.  I never understood this.  Until now.  This is a progressive disease.  This disease will take you to places you didn’t know existed.  As I sit here wringing my hands with thoughts swirling in my head it isn’t because I am craving alcohol, it is because there is an imaginary committee telling me that alcohol will make me feel better today.  I am grateful that I have a solution for this anxiety and it is not alcohol.  I can stop, pray and meditate.  I will then play the tape of my last drunk and it was not imaginary.  It was real.  Today I will not listen to this disease telling me a drink will make it better.  Today I have a solution and alcohol is not the answer.