Dec. 31, 2015

My God of Hide and Seek

“For the very reason that his abilities are so limited, he is afraid to give less than all he has.”  Franz Kafka (Diaries)


Kafka wrote this on December 31, 1911.  

I know I have very limited abilities to be successful in this life, whether it is staying sober or achieving goals I want to achieve.  My control and self will gave me the belief that I could handle anything.  “I.” That is the definitive word. Recovery is teaching me “I” don’t have all the control or power.  I must find something bigger than myself.  What brought me to my knees was thinking I could take care of all people and situations.  I was a very high-functioning drunk.  Most people didn’t know I had gone to a place that sent me crawling back.  On the outside I could still meet my obligations and live a life which looked quite normal. Because of my need to make everything okay I had to have something to help me cope.  I am learning that I don’t have to make everything okay and that I will be okay even if others are not.  My abilities are limited.  I have always believed in God, but I certainly didn’t think God could do anything without my help.  I will seek something higher than myself that is attainable for me; my higher power and not someone else’s.  I will give all that I have and not any less.  I will work hard and continue to seek.