Understanding I am Powerless Gives Me Power
“Only this everlasting waiting, eternal helplessness.” Franz Kafka (Diaries)
Alcoholics are known for our “self will run riot.” This self will can lead us to destructive places. What drives the self will? I am discovering through my recovery that I have always been driven by love. Always seeking love. Not romantic love, but the protection that comes with love. I suppose I have always wanted protection. The paradox is that when this love and protection found me in any relationship whether it be romantic, friendship or familial I couldn’t accept it. I pulled away or I attached and found my self-worth in others. I didn’t believe I was worthy of love. I have been asked, “What about God’s love? You do know God loves you, right?” When a person has a skewed view of their worth and love, then it is hard to think that any being could love them. There is not some big and bad thing in my life to blame for this. These are my ingredients. This is how I worked out. I hate the cliché “learning to love myself,” but this is what I am learning to do today. As an alcoholic I am aware of my self will. I have had so much fear that I would act and take the wrong direction in my life. This is the person I have become as the result of stunting my emotional growth due to active alcoholism. I was a strong and decisive person before I crossed this line of active alcoholism. I was born an alcoholic, but I didn’t reach my tipping point until my late thirties. I have been fearless and I have had great fear. The ultimate paradox. Today I am not afraid of living. I am grateful for what being sober does for me. It gives me clear and methodical thinking, not based on emotions. I know that all of my answers are in the 12 steps of my recovery program.
As a clear thinking, sober minded recovering alcoholic who understands the importance of prayers and pause in my actions I understand that as long as I act without impulse and with prayer and meditation I can still realize my dreams and live my life. I can be the person God created me to be. Jung said, “A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them.” I became a person who could not truly love and live without fear. This fear made me feel like I was in limbo and would be eternally helpless. I am powerless and I embrace this. I have faith in my higher power to set forth a path for me and I will only follow the path that is right. Because of this faith I know the difference. This gives me the power I need today to live a sober, happy, joyous and free life-if only for today. I am counting on this tomorrow too.