Jan. 5, 2016

Cleaning the Window of my Reality

“The constant variety of the form it takes, and once, in the midst of it all, the affecting sight of a momentary abatement in its variations.”  Franz Kafka (Diaries)

 

Life is looming.  Life is good, but the crap life brings is impending.  Like doom.  Sure I can make lemonade when I get lemons.  I can see the silver lining.  But, life is full of ups and downs.  Life is a roller coaster.  I can’t even articulate this without using a cliché.  As a codependent, Type A I want it all alcoholic, life can be a big disappointment.  I started this life with bright shiny innocent eyes and a belief that if you set goals and are a good girl then good things will happen.  Alcoholic or not I cannot control other people and I can’t control situations; I can only control how I react to them.  I see this quote 10 times a day on social media and yet I will never get this unless I practice it.  The way I have to practice is to “not react” and this is my downfall every time.  You see I can be in recovery and I can learn all the things I need to put into my mind to live sober, but the one thing I have a hard time with is....the hook.  The thing that happens when I think I am at my best, I take it and react. Then, I am done.  This happened today.  I wanted to run away.  Flight.  That is how I like to do things.  Get the hell out of the situation.  Get my say and run!  I don’t need this crap.  I don’t need anyone!  Recovery teaches me that my recovery isn’t dependent upon any relationship with another person, but it is dependent upon my relationship with my higher power.  This can get sticky.  Yes, it is easy for some people to have a blind belief in God or a higher power and then there are others who cannot.  I don’t judge either way.  I am overcoming the fear of saying I may not believe in your God, but I do believe in mine and that’s what matters.  There are people walking around today getting things done, meeting their obligations, working, laughing and their mind is wondering how the hell am I going to handle this?  My life, my emotions, the next situation, how will I make it through?  Some people go for a run, some people spend money, some people eat, some people drink, some people get in the car and drive or hop on a plane and fly, but life is still here.  It is not leaving.  Only we can leave life.  So, I did what recovery has taught me.  I cried out to the God of my understanding and I meditated and I prayed.  I said the 1st Step out loud.  I am powerless.  I am not only powerless over alcohol, but I am powerless over people, places and things.  I can set up a game plan, but life is going to throw me curve balls.  I know how to catch them.  They will not knock me down.  I don’t even want a drink.  But, not drinking and sobriety are not the same.  I do want to live sober today and I know how to do it.