Jan. 7, 2016

You Want Me, But You Can't Have Me

“I haven’t yet written down the decisive thing, I am still going in two directions.  The work awaiting me is enormous.”  Franz Kafka (Diaries) November 10, 1917

 

Getting sober hurts.  They say, “The good news is that you will feel again; the bad news is you will feel again.”  I am sick of this.  The ups and the downs.  Dammit, it hurts.  I am in pain right now.  It is a spiritual pain that causes all kinds of physical hurts.  It just started with life.  Trying to organize.  Getting my life in order.  Getting up off the sofa.  Living.  Doing.  Some people can do such tasks without any thought.  I have too many thoughts.  I want them to go away.  A drink sure would make them all go away.  Oh my, God, I am not saying this in vain; I am saying it because, thank God, no amount of pain or nostalgia makes me want to do what I do so naturally as an alcoholic.  I take that first drink.  That’s what I do.  Thinking that it will be different this time.   Getting sober hurts, but recovery is an elixir.  Today I am embracing this pain.  Come and get me!  You want me, but you can’t have me.  I will not allow it.  I’ve got an enormous amount of work to do, but God, I am so grateful I can feel the pain today and I have something bigger than alcoholism.  I have a higher power and I have recovery.  Bring it on.