Jan. 12, 2016

Who Is Watching Me?

“The inescapable duty to observe oneself: if someone else is observing me, naturally I have to observe myself too; if none observe me, I have to observe myself all the closer.”
Franz Kafka (Diaries-November 7, 1921)

I have nothing to prove. I am not getting sober to show anyone I can do it; I am not even getting sober to show myself that I can. I am getting sober because I must. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It does not get better unless I work a program of recovery. I have done the research on this, and as an alcoholic, I am proof I cannot take that first drink. I believe it will kill me if I continue to drink. This statement is not a dramatic one; this is where my addiction brought me. I want to live a sober life so I “can be of maximum service to God and others,” but I must first stay sober to live. As I continue my recovery, I see how important it is to become a happy, joyous and free recovering alcoholic, because alcohol is not bad for everyone. Alcohol is bad for me. I can’t hide from it. I work my recovery so that my life of living sober is more important to me than the fact that I cannot drink. I am beginning to feel this freedom. Even though I feel free today, I must observe myself all the closer because my disease wants me to think that I can drink like others. I cannot drink like others. I accept with gratitude today that my life is full with more important people and matters than what I have given up, alcohol. Recovery is “a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition.” This quote is a directly from my 12 step program. Today, I am intoxicated with life, and I am grateful for this daily reprieve.