Jan. 19, 2016

I Can't Give Up

“When I say something, it immediately and finally loses its importance, when I write it down it loses it too, but sometimes gains a new one.” Franz Kafka (Diaries-July 3, 1913)

My mind is spinning. I have written a few blogs but have not posted them because I can’t think straight. I write something, and it doesn’t make sense. I must stay focused on my sobriety. I must keep the daily structure of praying, reading my recovery materials, going to meetings, talking to my sponsor, working the 12 steps and I must not drink. There is a saying in recovery, “Whatever I put in front of my sobriety, I will lose.” I believe this. Over the years, I have allowed my sobriety to be on the bottom of my priority list. What have I lost? The most important thing I lost was the ability to be an effective person. I became someone who was afraid to act and make decisions based on faith and logic. As a recovering alcoholic, I know that doing the next right thing is the most important action I can take. I am leaving tomorrow for seven days in New York. Everything is not going as planned. The weather may be icy tomorrow morning which means I may have to stay at the airport hotel tonight. I have screwed up my online check in for my apartment, and I have to wait for a new check in email. I am trying to pack cute, warm clothes within the allotted weight for the airline, and I am trying not to control everything going on in the life of my family members. They will survive without me. These are just life circumstances. As an alcoholic, my perspective and my spirit have become so warped that these life situations make me want to give up. I wasn’t always this way. Years of oppressing my spirit and clouding my mind with alcohol have made me become someone I didn’t want to be. Tomorrow I will get on the board the airplane; I will not drink when offered a drink and I will only use the 12 steps of recovery to battle any anxiety I have about flying. I must stay vigilant and not forget who I am. I always think I am “thin and rich” when I travel, but I am an alcoholic traveling on a budget, and I am committed to writing about my experiences sober in the city.  I am grateful for recovery and the structure of a 12 Step program that allows me to take life on life’s terms without getting upset. I will continue to take whatever road is next on my path and do it with a calm spirit and pause when it gets too much. Wish me luck.