Jan. 20, 2016

Call To It- It's There

“Life's splendor forever lies in wait about each one of us in all its fullness, but veiled from view, deep down, invisible, far off. It is there, though, not hostile, not reluctant, not deaf. If you summon it by the right word, by its right name, it will come.”  Franz Kafka, Diaries 

I knew it was in me, the passion, the courage to do something I have always wanted to do.  It seems silly to many, but I love the energy of the city.  I feel alive in the neighborhoods sectioned off like small towns with people walking their dogs, little old men and women walking to the market, young parents pushing strollers, people running and cars zooming.  Not everyone likes the city or enjoys the energy, but I do.  I love being around people, but not knowing them all.  I can blend in here.  I have always wanted to blend in and just be with people and not in the center of them.  Today has been such a peaceful day, even with the chaos of the airport, running to my connection and take off and landing.  I have felt such contentment as if deep down I am where I am supposed to be.  I know it’s expensive here; I know this is a pipe dream, but I am puffing on this pipe.  Today I spent $24 on groceries which will make at least four or five meals for me.  I am sitting in a coffee shop drinking a delicious cup of coffee, listening to great music, writing and watching people live.  Tonight I am attending my first 12 Step meeting here in the city, and I look forward to it.  I am grateful to be here even if it just for a short time.  I have navigated the city alone today, and I already feel comfortable in my surroundings.  Traveling can be tricky for this alcoholic; it makes me think of drinking.  I used to call them triggers, but a fellow alcoholic recently reminded me that there are no triggers, only thoughts we allow ourselves to indulge.  When my mind wandered today, I put my recovery tools to work.  I reminded myself of the 1st Step; I am an alcoholic, and my life had become unmanageable.  Oh, unmanageable it was.  I play that tape in my mind, and I don’t want to go back to that.  If I don’t play that tape, it is easy for me to think I can take a drink.  It is a cold winter afternoon in Greenwich Village; I am alone, and a glass of red wine or two or three would normally be my drink of choice, but I will not indulge in that thought.  My life is so good today without the hurt and chaos my drinking caused.  The only thoughts I want to have right now is how full my life is.  My family and dogs are doing well without me.  I am sitting here taking it all in; there is a conversation in a foreign language happening next to me, and I am in heaven.  I am going to keep summoning what’s deep inside of me and see what happens.