Secretly, I Want the Best for Everyone
“The unity of mankind, now and then doubted, even if only emotionally, by everyone, even by the most approachable and adaptable person, on the other hand also reveals itself to everyone, or seems to reveal itself, in the complete harmony, discernible time and again, between the development of mankind as a whole and of the individual man. Even in the most secret emotions of the individual.” Franz Kafka, Diaries, December 4, 1913)
Unity is people coming together to support each other. We all want this, but sometimes we allow our egos to get in the way of this support. I have always wanted to uplift others, but I will admit when someone is unkind or mean-spirited I haven’t always wanted the best for them. In working my recovery program, I have realized that I carried many hurts with me over my 53 years. Some of them were valid, and some were not. I had a part to play in any resentment I held. My part in any resentment was holding onto to it. My counselor tells me I am adaptable and get along well with others. I always like everyone until they hurt me, and then I am stunned because I do not understand. When this happens, my ego goes to a controlling place where I put up walls, and then I get into my thoughts about this person and the situation. When I do this, I cut off my light which may be a source of good for others. Growing up my family and I moved around quite a bit, and I learned to adapt to my surroundings. I never gave much thought to social order or those who were actively mean to me, and there were a few. I tended to focus on the kind friends I made and enjoyed them without thinking of any of the negative. Alcoholism is a disease of perception. It clouded this alcoholic’s mind over the years and made me focus on unfavorable situations. Yes, there are mean people in the world, but I can ignore them and pray for them. In recovery, it is suggested to us to pray for two weeks for a person who has wronged us or hurt us and see what happens. I used to think this was BS, but I have done this, and the results are amazing. I pray that a person who is unkind gets everything he or she wants in their life. I pray for their happiness and joy. When I do this, I take the power of their unkindness out of my realm of thought. Then, they no longer have control over me. This is something I must practice. It is easy to say we want unity and happiness for others as a whole, but some individuals can be tricky. Wanting good things for a bad or unkind person is hard. I have realized I am not doing this for the other person; I am doing it for me. That burden of hurt lifts when I do this, and I am free. Today I am not attracting any of these negative people. I still have a few deep hurts and when I see a particular person who has hurt me those feelings can surface. As I grow in my recovery, I am finding those resentments go as quickly as they come now. My secret emotions are no longer poison I am grasping; they are now joyful thoughts I send out to all without discrimination.