Thoughts Into Words

“For the first time in a week an almost complete failure in writing.  Why?  Last week too I lived through various moods and kept their influence away from my writing; but I am afraid to write about it.”  Franz Kafka, Diaries, April 1, 1912

This is the first thing I read this morning.  It was as if Kafka had been reading my thoughts and put them on paper.  I have not written anything in a week.  I begin.  Then, I stop.  I delete.  I write again.  I stop.  I save the incoherent thoughts I put on paper and plan to return to them. For seven days I have lived a normal life fulfilling my obligations, had some fun and reflected on my past and prepared for my future, but there has been this nagging mood of discontent.  I don’t think this is unique; I just know as an alcoholic I must be more vigilant when I get in this mood because this mood can send me off the rails.  In recovery, it is ingrained in me that I must do the next right thing in front of me.  This seems like a simple matter for most, but for this alcoholic it is vital that I stay disciplined and take everything in my life one day at a time even though I must prepare for the future.  It can be a difficult task for many, but for me, I must stay on track and not waiver.  When life gets overwhelming, it is easy to throw one’s hands up and say, “Screw it!  I just give up!”  Then, comes the “belligerent denial” of the spiritual life I am slowly obtaining.  This always leads me back to the bottle.  Recovery is teaching me to throw my hands up and say, “I give up!”  I give it up to my higher power and keep moving forward.