Flawed Art

“What I still am now is revealed most clearly to me by the strength with which the reproaches urge their way out of me.  There were times when I had nothing else inside me except reproaches driven by rage, so that, although physically well, I would hold on to strangers in the street because the reproaches inside me tossed from side to side like a water basin that was being carried rapidly.”  Franz Kafka, Diaries, July 19, 1910

I don’t want anyone too close to me.  I like the company of strangers better because if you got to know me, you would not like me.  This is how I think.  Once you get to know me, you will leave.  I have too many flaws inside of me to let you get too close.  On the outside, I seem well and fit, but on the inside I am broken.  In my experience, many people feel this way.  I am not unique.  Everyone experiences life differently and handles their brokenness differently.  As I read this 1910 entry into a brilliant writer’s diary, I realize he and I, this ordinary Southern girl, have a lot in common.  I am no brilliant mysterious creature.  I am just a woman who wants to grow, so I give thought to why I am the way I am.  I will acknowledge that my inner self is a whirlwind of objects that make no sense, but I know that through growth and daily work I can create something like an assemblage artist who puts together odd pieces to make a beautiful piece of art.  That is how I see my flaws coming together.  

I wish I could take each person who is hurting and who feels so broken and sit them down and tell them there is a solution.  I wish I could tell them that I wake up daily with great anxiety and fear.  I feel so unworthy.  I feel so afraid that you will get to know me and that you will not like me.  The first thing I do each morning is pray that “I am divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives.”  I pray that my thoughts are directed in this way during the day.  If I find myself heading in the wrong direction, I stop and do this.  If not for recovery and realizing the need to re-train my brain I would not have learned this.  This can work for anyone.  Alcoholic or not.  I believe this way of life can help everyone.  I know it has changed my life.  

I woke up this morning as I do many days.  In total fear and anxiety.  Fear that something would be taken away or fear that I would not get something I want.  Fear that strangers might get to know me.  Fear that my friends would see my flaws.  I spoke this prayer and meditated.  I want to learn to be divorced from these thoughts so I can be that amalgamation of flaws that fuses into a beautiful spirit who is not afraid to be known.