What Is This?
“Of course, one never knows whether the despair one feels is warranted or unwarranted. But reflecting on it can give one a certain support; in the past, I have suffered from the lack of this knowledge.” Franz Kafka, Diaries, December 19, 1914
I am suffering from lack of chaos. I have so much peace. Serenity. I am an alcoholic, and my mind is swirling. Like a squirrel on crack, I want to rush here and there and do something. Something is wrong with me. I am even keel today. It is scaring the hell out of me. I can’t take this. I need to run here and there and DO SOMETHING.
This is how my mind works. Maybe I should be doing more. Doing something. Looking for that next excitement. What if nothing fun ever happens again? What if this is it?
I hope this is it. Peace. I have peace today, and I want to screw it all up.
I am an alcoholic. That’s what I do. I am attracted to chaos. I need excitement, and if I don’t have it, I will create it.
Fun and excitement are perfectly fine and should be celebrated, but so should peace and contentment. I should be satisfied with contentment. Recovery and taking an inventory of my personality traits, good and bad, make me aware of this. I would never have been able to do this without recovery. Without recovery, I would not have had the willingness and honesty to look at my character defects. First, I wanted to stop drinking. I had to stop drinking. So I had to be honest with myself and admit I had a problem. I cannot drink. I have an obsession with alcohol. My brain wants to calm itself, and for years, I thought alcohol could make me happy. I thought it could calm me down. I thought it was my answer. Once I took the alcohol away, my mind swirled with other obsessions. Impulses. I mistook being still and calm for boredom. I thought I was in a rut. I needed FUN! Something to do! The next high! I needed LOVE! I needed the excitement of SOMETHING NEW! I needed the next shiny new thing. I needed....I needed....I needed...THE EXCITEMENT of life! But, so many other needs and obsessions can be as bad as alcohol even if they don’t kill me. They will screw with my serenity.
Today I am serene. I thought I was down, but I am not. I am at peace. I am calm, content, and I have everything I need. I can run and have fun, but I think I will sit here and just be. I will just enjoy this thing that recovery promises me. Serenity. I can still do new and fun things, but I need to understand to balance all that I do.
I am an alcoholic. I have a problem with perception. The last few days I have been anxious. Anxious because I saw peace and serenity and I didn’t know what to do with it.
I have suffered from my thoughts. I see it all now, and I can breathe easier knowing what it is. It is serenity. It is peace.